Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Heartbreak...

So Friday's post was eery in its level of inappropriateness. My sis and bro-in-law just received another major setback in their attempts to have a child.

I tried to call but my sister is my opposite in every way -- I wear my heartbreak on my sleeve, and she keeps hers close to home.

Maybe I'm stupid, but I'm not giving up hope for them. I'm praying "beauty for ashes," and that they might be blessed with a child when they least expect it.

I covet your prayers as well.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Supererogatory or just plain stupid?

Soooooooooooooo. My family is going through a lot right now. None of which is appropriate to share over the Internet. :) But my father and I had a long and painful conversation tonight.

My sister had jokingly (and several times) asked me last July to be her surrogate. She and my brother-in-law have been trying (unsuccessfully obviously) to get pregnant for years. The fertility specialists told her she could have a baby, but they weren't sure if she could carry it. So she asked me to be a surrogate.

I told her no. My father had no idea about this conversation, and when I told him about it, his response: "I've really screwed you up. And I'm sorry."

I was shocked. And hurt. I kind of sort of didn't hold it against her for asking, but thought that I wanted to save my womb for my own babies. I have no problems with gaining loads of weight, morning sickness, or the pain of childbirth. It's just that there are few things in life I want more than biological children, and I'm not sure how many chances I will get. I also felt like my father's statement was a concession that they all think I'll die a wretched old maid, and my sister is their one shot for grandchildren.

See, I kind of sort of think I'm a catch. I'm not a 10 in the looks department by any means (maybe more like a 5), but I am funny, kind, smart, and compassionate. My feelings were really hurt.

See in philosophy, we talk about things that are obligatory, meaning they are required in order to be a moral person, and things that are supererogatory, or great but above and beyond the call of duty.

None of my friends thought I should be a surrogate. Why did he make me feel like I should?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mirror, mirror on the wall

When I was a reporter, I thought journalism was the most important job in the world -- it kept governments and businesses accountable to the "people." Corruption feared an A1 story in a prominent newspaper more than it ever feared the law, I thought. I pitied people who held less -- in my eyes -- important positions, never allowing my "healthy" self-esteem to be deterred by the fact that my pittance of a salary qualified for the earned income tax credit.

So, now I'm kind of hanging ten at a hospital while I job hunt in a new city. Doing some freelance work, but grateful for this gig that enabled me to move across the country in the worst economy since the Great Depression. And I'm learning so much.

Being a sort of hippie chick who's idea of medicine is raw garlic (obviously I've never been seriously ill), I never had much respect for the medical profession. That's a terrible thing to say, but it's true. My sister works in the health care industry, and, so methinks, she has no idea about foreign policy, politics, or the atrocities of the Communist regime under Stalin (or this blog, thank God). But the department I work in takes itself very seriously: it has doctors who have operated when no one else would touch the patient, giving them precious extra time with their loved ones, extending the patients' lives by years. It's given me new respect for both the profession and my sister. But it's also made me realize something else.

See, in Washington, health care professionals are nothing. If you don't have an industry job -- politico, reporter, lobbyist, or lawyer -- you're invisible. Not only do I have a lot of new-found respect for my colleagues, I am aware of how much self-respect they have for what they do as well. They're very aware -- and proud (rightly so) -- of their contribution to society. If there was a societal hierarchy, in their eyes doctors would be on the top.

In my world, or my old life I should say, more accurately, power was the median. Influence. The effect your actions had on others -- whether it was writing the Iraqi constitution (and sadly, yes, it was written by American twenty-somethings), writing a story read by millions of people, or crafting a bill on health care. It was the knowledge of knowing other people's lives would go differently because you had done your job.

I started thinking about this because one of my colleagues said her girlfriend, who is a doctor (or resident or intern or something) hides the fact that she is a doctor as long as she can because they all think someone would only want them because they are a doctor.

It was just so absurd to me. Because if you're going to be a gold digger, we all know hedge-fund managers and corporation owners and trust-fund babies are the way to go.

We're all narcissists.

And this has made me realize I have to find a job where I'm back in the game of who I am.

L.A.isms

So this post is long overdue. But every day I am reminded that I live in a new land, and Los Angeles is sometimes much more foreign to Washington than Europe ever was.

For example, my initial housing crisis in June. When I discovered that I was a few days away from living in my car, I decided to take a sublet instead of signing a permanent lease, because I had (shockingly!) not yet found a place I wanted to commit to.

In Washington, when you tell people you need to find a place to live quickly, everybody assumes you've just landed your dream job for senator so-and-so or part of the X administration and it starts tomorrow. In Los Angeles, they assume you've been evicted because you're an unemployed druggie/actor. One woman in particular re-scheduled on me 3 times in less than 48 hours. I politely sent her an email saying thank you for being willing to meet with me, but I received two other offers of places to live, so I am no longer searching. This woman had initially told me she would need a week to run a background/credit check (for a 6 WEEK sublet). As soon as she discovered not one but two other places wanted me, all of a sudden I was the Birkin bag of flatmates.

Rule No. 1 -- Never start with the premise the other person assumes you have half a brain or half a character. They assume the opposite.

On to my other latest observations -- drivers.

Now Angelenos are generally much kinder and much less aggressive drivers than Washingtonians. True, Los Angeles freeways have two speeds: stopped (otherwise known as the 405 parking lot) and 110 mph. However, when it comes to non-freeway driving: They tend not to run yellow lights, they stop before the crosswalks and they allow pedestrians to cross before making a right-hand turn. Amazingly enough, and my personal pet peeve: They refuse to drive in right-hand turning lanes no matter how far it is before the turn. The left two lanes will be considerably backed up and the right lane -- empty. In Washington, we drive in this lane and then edge over right before it gives out. Some may call this driving like an a**hole; I call it efficient.

Rule No. 2 -- Never drive a Mini-cooper in a town full of Hummers. You will get squashed like a bug on the freeway during one of the (rare) traffic-free Autobahn races. When my Maxima goes to the parking lot in the sky, I'm getting a Prius.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Committmentphobia

I've been a commitment-phobe my entire life. It's been wrecking my love life and career for years, but it's the first time it's almost made me homeless.

College: Wanted to double major in journalism and a more traditional liberal arts degree. Couldn't pick a course. So I graduated with one degree.

Post-college: Wanted to become proficient in both Russian and Arabic. Can't decide which language to start studying first. So I choose neither. 8 months later I accept a fellowship in Cairo, so I choose Arabic. But I lost an 8 months headstart! I had a 50/50 chance. Geez, louise.

So now I'm out in L.A. Everything sort of fell apart. Nothing happened that was supposed to happen. Friends were kind enough to offer me a temporary crashing pad as I hunted for something more permanent. On Monday night I saw a great, affordable 1 BR in Santa Monica. But it was green. Not a gross green. Just not a "me" green. I wanted to "think" about it. Tuesday night I discover I need to move out by Saturday. I call Wednesday morning at 8 a.m.: it was rented the night before. I see a great sub-let in Santa Monica, but I am unsure. The next day it is gone.

The good news is I finally found a place to live, so I'm not homeless. But commitment-phobia can wreck every part of your life, not just your love life. Boo!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Coming back?

OK, so for all five of you that still read this blog, despite my long absense: I am coming back. I am stressed beyond measure right now, but I need an outlet.

Love you all!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

My latest misadventure, i.e. breaking down in Delaware


So, when the lovely Jen Kellas invited me up to NYC for her music festival, the very cool Sae offered to let me hitch a ride. I should have warned her at the time that I am a bad-luck magnet, whether that be enduring an encounter with police on the Megabus, etc. And had I done so, she may have politely rescinded her offer and saved her fellow travelers our grueling journey back from NYC.

Sae picks me up from Gretchen's flat at 4:30 pm on Sunday afternoon. We get stuck in traffic in Chinatown and Soho, so it's probably 6 pm before we make it to Jersey City to pick up Izzie and Adrian.

We're heading South on 95 when Sae notices that her engine is getting hot. So we take a dinner break at a rest stop before resuming our journey. The car overheats again, so we pull over at Exit 10. Sunoco, the official fuel of Nascar, had a garage that was open. So a very nice man with some sort of plastic thing over his face and protective handgear, explains to us that there is too much air in something (located next to the radiator in Sae's 2004 VW Jetta) lets it boil out and puts some anti-freeze in. He sends us on our way, assuming we would be fine.
Rating: protective gear: +1 ( we wouldn't have been the ones getting burned, so who cares really)
kindness and (attempted) helpfulness: + 3
Knowing what he was talking about: -10

We continue down the road, only to have to pull over again, due to overheating. This time the Sunoco is empty, so the gas station lady tells us to go to a Pepboys at some other remote exit. We do this -- Pepco is closed. We pull over at Jim's Service Station. The garage is also closed. But whereas this is NJ, and full-service is the law, Jim (or whoever he was) was actually a former mechanic and quite helpful. He was aghast at the first man's decision -- it turns out the anti-freeze should have been diluted with water to a 50--50 ratio. He then checks the fan and something else. He recommends rolling down the windows and turning the heat on to suck heat away from the engine. We continue down the road in this manner.
Overall rating = +5 (He was just cool.)

We've made it about 30 minutes down the road before the car overheats again. Another rest stop, another Sunoco. Two high school students at the garage joke around with us, and tell us that if we should ever get a hole in our radiator, crack a raw egg in it. The egg would cook and fill the hole for a few days. "That's South Jersey knowledge for you." When their manager comes out and is aghast that exit 10 Sunoco didn't dilute the anti-freeze, the young whipper-snappers valiantly offer to go kick the a@# of the employee at exit 10. We graciously decline their generosity. The manager says there is a problem with the radiator, and only VW can fix a VW radiator. They recommend driving for 30 minutes, pulling over for 30 minutes and so on, until we make it home.
Helpfulness: +2 (wasn't entirely sure they knew what they were talking about)
Egg trick and chivalrous offer: +4 (we needed a good laugh)
No protective gear = 0

So we continue down the road, barely making it into the state of Delaware, when Sae's car starts SMOKING. We pull over immediately. (I grab my purse and exit quite quickly. How would I know when a car is going to blow up?) At this point, we are close enough that Adrian uses his AAA to call a tow truck and Sae's parents offer to come pick us up (from their home outside Baltimore). It's a little after midnight at this point.

The tow truck comes, followed shortly by Sae's parents. We drive in silence back to their home, where they exit and Sae drives us all home. (Adrian and I live in VA.) I was lucky enough to be the first drop-off; it was 3:30 am at that point.

Sae apologized profusely, for which I felt incredibly guilty. She has a decent car and she takes care of it. She had know way of knowing, and she was trying to do us a favor by playing chauffer. And she doesn't know that calamity is my most intimate companion.

And that is my 11 hour journey home from NYC.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Catching up

In response to my most recent post, my parents are not moving to Arkansas anytime soon. This is very good news. I'm sorry I have been gone for a while, but I was showing my old flatmate, Ellen, around DC and then we went to North Carolina for Lindsay's wedding. Whereas it is substantially easier to upload pictures to Facebook than post them here, I will probably stop putting pictures up here. You can find them all on Facebook. You can search for me under my gmail account to find me.

Ellen's visit and the trip to North Carolina were much-needed reliefs to me. I needed some time away from the city, to reflect on things. I needed some peace. I needed the company of a friend who enjoys a wide array of topics and also loves me unconditionally.

On that note, I have really been struggling as of late. I miss journalism desperately. I feel as if someone has taken away my purpose in life, without which I am nothing. I have also begun noticing the lack of close female friends in my life in D.C. too. I have always been so blessed with great friendships. But when friends get married, their spouses become their new best friends, which is only appropriate. But I am missing all the companionship of my female friends very, very much. (Brad, I know you read this and I am truly grateful for your friendship. You are a one-of-a-kind guy. I just wish I had close girlfriends, too.)

Anyway, all this to say I am kind of sad. When I get this way, I tend to retreat. Please don't take it personally. I will come back one day, I promise.

Love to you all.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Blogging

So, I have gotten flack from a couple of you for all but disappearing from the blog sphere. I am so sorry; I have been swamped.

There's not too much going on here. I have to admit, I discovered tonight that my parents are thinking of moving to Fayettville, and I was crushed. It's a terribly inconvenient airport to fly into, which means I will see them substantially less. And I won't lie: I hate Arkansas. Period. And I have actually sent resumes to Atlanta in the past year and had toyed with the idea of moving down there in the next couple of years. When I spoke to them, they responded, "We have to do what's best for us." Which is true -- but I guess then it hit me: I'm free. I'm free to move back to Egypt or Scotland or wherever. I thought they would be disappointed if I moved away, and that was one thing that tethered me down. But if they move to Arkansas, I will only see them once a year anyway, so I can go wherever I want. It's kind of liberating.

But I am still sad.

Harry Potter

OK, so right after I finished reading it I had a rather lengthy blog I wanted to post. But that was three days ago, and I am soooo over it.

My thoughts? In a nutshell: Less creative than her other books, and I was shocked to see she had slapped on such a neat American happy ending. I am suspicious as to if Rowling may be a Christian -- her ending rips straight from the NT. AND the graveyard in Godric's Hollow -- the epitaphs on the tombstones are paraphrased scriptures.

Thoughts anyone? Meg, I would be especially interested to hear your comments.

Pics from the trip

So Continental made my parents miss their flight -- here's my poor mom in Venice after she hasn't slept or showered in 3 days, in part due to their incompetence.
Breakfast in Venice -- it was actually my favorite part of the trip. I left my heart there.




My birthday -- we were supposed to be wine tasting in Chianti but we had to go pick up my parents bags from airport in Milan instead. (Continental airlines lost them!)
Fruit stand. Yeah, so I thought it was pretty.
The Colosseum
Celebrating Father's Day and my birthday belatedly.
Mom and Dad standing outside of an old Roman prison where Peter and Paul were imprisoned.
Palatine Garden
With my mom at the Palatine museum by the Roman Forum

After a week in Italy, we were on to St. Andrews for my master's graduation. Can you believe I lived here for two years? Sometimes I just can't.


Mom and Dad getting their tour after graduation.
My inner circle from last year. You have no idea how good it felt to see this crew again. :)
OK, so I'm slightly in love with Ole, the hot Norwegian on the right. But just slightly. :)
Claire and Ezra
With Claire after our graduation dinner -- I love this girl so much.
With Dave at the after-party at his place once the pubs closed.

With Claire and Ezra.
When we were done at St. Andrews, we went to the West Coast of Scotland to trace our ancestry on my mom's side.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Life update

OK, so I am a loser when it comes to blogging these days. My apologies. I have had a million and one topics run through my head, but I have been too lazy to commit them to paper. I wanted to blog about the Oxford University debate on whether or not America should have been founded, but never got around to it, and sadly my passion has left me. There's something else I would like to blog about, too, but my inspiration is taken from friends' lives and not my own, something I find breaches the code of Cyber etiquette.

Suffice it to say this: Below are pics going back as far as Feb., the most recent ones first.

This weekend I am throwing a bridal shower for Lindsay, my friend from St. Andrews. The next weekend I am visiting my aunt and uncle in N.J., then I have work commitments for the next two weeks...then MY TRIP TO EUROPE.

Time is FLYING.

Kisses! Bushka, Beijo, Besos!

Pictures update

Fabio and some of his Brazilian friends at his goodbye party at the Blue Duck Tavern.

Sam, who was quite disappointed when polite social convention dictated he sit at our end of the table instead of with the brazilian lovelies, kept finding his way down to that end of the table. Can you blame him? The country's No. 1 export IS Victoria's Secret models.

Dave, Jiyoung and Gogan (? I have never met him before) at Fabio's goodbye party.

A friend from high school, who now lives in Atlanta, flew into DC to celebrate his birthday. Matt, the guy on my right, is another friend from high school now in an MFA program at Catholic university. What a night! Getting to catch up with two treasured friends in one night :)

So, the night of the radio and TV correspondents' dinner, I had to work. But we still went to the after party. Here are some Newshour folks at our OWN after party, closing down the Big Hunt in Dupont.

Megan "delegating" at Brad's painting party a long time ago, while the rest of us bloody worked!

Finally, what I like to see, Megan hard at work!

Jiyoung, getting those hard-to-reach places:)

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Saying goodbye

Life is funny, or karma enjoys irony.

Throughout my life, I've had the existence of a vagabond, traveling around, exploring new cities and countries, forging new and challenging friendships. And because I'm me, I grow deeply attached to the people and places I've been. People don't see it --whenever you're a chronic wanderer, as am I, people assume you can't form attachments. Rather I form attachments too easily. I feel incomplete whenever I leave someplace, and I know it's because the place changed me, and the friends I made will never leave my imagination nor good thoughts. But for various reasons, as much as I have loved both Egypt and Scotland, there was a time to say goodbye. As much as I hated it. As much as I still get watery eyes when discussing Egypt or know there is something deep inside of me that I left in that Scottish village.

Here I am. In DC. For the first time in my life, I have no plans to go anywhere. No plans for grad school or anything else. I'm staying put.

And a friend is leaving.

I guess I'm only reflecting on it because usually it's the other way around. And when you're the one doing the leaving, you know there's a new adventure waiting for you. And you're the one in control.

But now, I'm the one being left. And it's sad.

I think all of this has me very apprehensive about my trip to Scotland this summer. (I am returning to graduate.) I'm afraid that after 3 nights in the pub with some of the most wonderful people I never expected to meet, I won't be able to get on that plane. I don't know how I got on it in last September.

When I was younger, I wanted to see the world. I've seen a tiny little portion of it and still want to see more. But as I age, I'm also craving stability, this sense that something will remain definite and constant.

Bizarre. That's so not me.

Quote of the day, to match my thoughts:
"Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos." Charles M. Schulz

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Two Roads to Walk Down and One Road to Choose....

I have some career decisions. I've been offered a job -- a terrific opportunity with a great organization. But it would take me out of journalism. I've been digging pretty deep lately to see if this is the right next step. It is a great organization, and I was pretty torn up at first because the idea of leaving journalism made me physically ill. But right now I'm wondering if this is the beginning of a new season in my life.

Anyway, I emailed a former editor of mine who knows me well to ask for his advice. He wrote this. It is beautiful, so I wanted to share it. People all over the world hate journalists, but this is why we do it.

"I've had this file open all day. I know you need wisdom here. I keep erasing what I've written, none of it fits. Too big (journalism is TRUTH!) or too small. Too practical or too philosophical. Too me, not enough you.

I keep telling myself: Just tell her to be practical.

Because I've done this for years (talking to young people about The Big Questions), and I've promised myself to STOP, to just STOP telling people that this thing, that it's all about idealism, and purpose, and truth. I have promised this to myself, because a lot of the time it simply isn't, not anymore, not to me, and I've learned that the people you admire will break your heart, and the industry is hard, and ruthless and unforgiving, and it uses people on the inside and it uses people on the outside, and it eats marriages and hardens hearts and the pay stinks.

And I make this promise to myself: The next young person who asks, you tell to run, don't walk. Far from this.

Find someplace and some people you love, away from this grimy fight and this muck. Someplace where your work lasts more than just a day or an hour.

Then someone like you ... or Maggie, my 10 year old .. asks me how a person becomes a reporter.

And I see someone looking for purpose. And truth. A way to push back against the boundaries of who they are, to push back against the boundaries of what the world is, to challenge themselves and live a life of impact.

And I know that this THING, this flawed THING, this ... journalism ... I know that it is still, underneath the grime, it is beauty, and truth and the rock that must be pushed up the muddy mountainside. It is worthwhile. It is not for everyone forever, but it is worthwhile, it is, still about things that matter.

Truth.

Knowledge.

Beauty.

Justice.

You have to ask yourself if, like Sisyphus, you can find the purpose in pushing the dirty, bloody rock up the hill every day. Because that's what it is. Tough, hard, demanding, bloody work.

But it matters, and it offers a person like you a chance to knock down the walls the world wants to build around us.

Let me know what you decide."

Friday, March 16, 2007

Off the wagon...

I started the Zone diet this week, primarily because I have been exhausted for the last two years and I am hoping something resembling proper nutrition will lead to improved energy levels. After four days of being "good," I fell off the wagon Friday.

It was a rough day, all due to the very stressful search for a job. (I do not believe in gossiping about your caeer on the Internet, whereas it leads only to unemployment, so that mere hint at my woes will be forced to suffice.) Whereas my office is full of thin women (not repulsively, Ann Coulter-ish, so, but healthily so) who still eat (and bring) sweet snacks to the office, there was both a big box of donuts and some sort of sweet bread.

I caved. And ate a doughnut. I told myself that it was OK, that the key to successful dieting was knowing that just because you ate one doughnut doesn't mean you have to eat 5.

And then I ate another doughnut. Later in the evening I had a bag of Cheetos, too.:( But I have been back on the wagon for a day and half now, so let's keep our fingers crossed.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

"I took the road less traveled by"....?

I have some major career decisions to make here pretty shortly. Prayers for wisdom appreciated.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Quote of the week

From my friend Ben, from my first year in St. Andrews, as we were corresponding about the situation in Baghdad: "The going price for a bodyguard is $800-$1,000 a day. You can get a cheaper one if you want, but 'you get what you pay for.' "

I'm sorry; I thought it was funny. Am I just too macabre?

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Fighting modern-day slavery

I know I've sent out a few emails about "Amazing Grace," the newly released movie based on the life of 18th-century British abolitionist William Wilberforce. Some people are trying to use the film to raise awareness and catapult interest into fighting the modern-day trafficking of persons.

Check it out here. I'm aware this is a rather commercial site, but since it has links to several anti-trafficking non-profits, it seemed like the most efficient way to do this. Also, it has some really neat voice-overs from the movie.:)

Thoughts on Iraq

I know, I know, I know, I shouldn't write this, but I do have a monitor that tells me who drops by here. (Sorry, folks, it's just that blogging is dangerous in my profession unless you aim for the status of commentator, which I personally do not. If this blog ever gets read by non-friends and family, it's going off the world of the wide, wide Web.)

Anyway, I'm currently doing a story on migration patterns in Iraq. My aspect of the story only covers internally displaced people, while my colleague is doing a story on refugees.

Basically, and most of you are probably aware of this, but Iraqis are moving away from integrated neighborhood/cities to more segregated environments, due to threats of sectarian violence. It's creating huge humanitarian problems.

I was interviewing one Iraqi on the phone the other day, who moved because his family received such a threat. "Who delivered the threat to you?" I asked. (I'm sorry, but most news accounts from the ground leave out a lot of details that I never understood before. How do they know who is Sunni and Shiite to target them for attack? People don't walk around with signs on their foreheads. Are the neighborhoods already that segregated? No, they are not. I'm interested in the psychology of all of this.) Basically, his neighbors, from the opposite sect, delivered the threat to them, although they were not responsible for its origin. A group had spies planted in places to find who the "outsiders" were and then targeted them for death threats.

Can you imagine delivering to your neighbor for years, maybe even someone you like very much, a note, saying, "I'm sorry. Someone gave this to me. They will kill you if you don't leave."

Reading Ensler's book reminded me of it because she relays some interviews from the post-Bosnian crisis where former friends and neighbors turned upon each other because of religious differences.

I just don't understand it. I know that some of them living it -- on both sides of it -- don't understand.

Who are we?

On being 'Insecure'

I'm reading the latest book by Eve Ensler right now, "Insecure at Last: Losing It in our Security Obsessed World." (I am aware of my audience so let me preface this entry with a disclaimer that the book was swiped from the freebie table at the office.)

I do not come close to agreeing with all of the conclusions Ms. Ensler draws in her book, but I do find it a fascinating telling of women's stories from war zones and/or oppressive regimes. And I do think that many of her psychological observations about the nature of humanity are insightful, to say the least. But it was her preface that struck me:

"Security is elusive, impossible. We all die. We all get sick. We all get old. People leave us. People surprise us. People change us. Nothing is secure. And this is the good news. But only if you are not seeking security as your starting point in life. When security is paramount you can't travel very far or venture too far outside a certain circle. You can't allow too many conflicting ideas inside your head at once, as they might confuse you or challenge you. You can't open yourself to new experiences, new people, and new ways of doing things. They might take you off course. You can't not know who you are; it's more secure to cling to hard-matter identity...You become part of an US, and in order to be secure, you must defend against THEM. ...You become your nation, you become your religion. You become whatever it is that will freeze you, numb you and protect you from change or doubt. But all this does is shut down your mind. In reality, you are not one drop safer. A meteor could still fall from the sky, a tsunami could rise up next to your beach house, someone could fly a plane through your building. All this striving for security has in fact made you much more insecure. Because now you have to watch out all the time. There are people not like you, people you now call enemies. You have places you cannot go, thoughts you cannot think, worlds you can no longer inhabit."

I think it's obvious where Ensler will lead from her premises. And I really do not wish to engage in a worldview/political/military discussion. And I really don't want to discuss nationalism at all either. I have fought my share of debates against a subwarden back in the dorms who thought nationalism was intrinsically evil. (He is an anthropologist, can't you tell?) I posted this because -- politics aside -- I think the need for security is both natural (inherent even) and dangerous. And I'm speaking on a personal level. The need for security can be a positive motivator -- it prompts us to save for retirement, to minimize unhealthy relationships, etc. But when it becomes the overwhelming force in our life, we cease to live. We are imprisoned by a world of fearful possibilities, unable to venture outside them, and we obtain a fraction of what our lives could have been. We limit our friendships, we curtail travel and we spit on our dreams. I'm sorry, but I don't think anything great has ever been accomplished without risk -- whether it was a business venture, a political movement, or even a marriage. If security is your god, you will never be willing to lose something even if what you may gain if successful is something far greater.

As my pastor says, quit living life as if the purpose is to arrive safely at death.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Why '24' is getting stale

Warning: Plot spoilers contained.

If it weren't for the fact that they've already commissioned another 3 seasons and a movie, I think this season of '24' is so terrible that it could have done the show in. The problem is, people used to watch '24' because it kept them on the edge of their seats. It had brilliant writing and multiple plot twists. But it's as if the writers can't think of anything new, so they do the same old thing, but just up the ante. The FIRST President Palmer wasn't hawkish enough for his Cabinet, so they voted to have him removed. His brother is now president and is also a peace-loving man. They don't want to have another vote-of-confidence scenario, so there's an assassination plot. Yawn. Oh yeah, they've had nukes on previous episodes of 24, but the only one that went off was detonated over the desert. They've had one terrorist attack that was successful (biological or chemical, can't remember, maybe both) but then CTU has had to stop the other attacks. And we KNOW Jack Bauer isn't going anywhere, so when he had to short-circuit the wiring on a suitcase nuke, we knew he would be successful. Please, people, can you give me a reason to watch? Grotesque torture scenes don't do it for me. I watch 24 every week at a party filled with loyalists, many of whom have seen all of the previous seasons. And we predict the plot within 95 percent plus accuracy. The only reason they don't mind is because they're men and they love the shoot-'em-up action and torture scenes. I actually DON'T like violence, so there aren't many reasons to keep watching.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Facebook Sabbatical

While I hunt for a job, I've de-activated my facebook account because I was wasting too much time. I will be back in a few months, I promise.

(I only put that up here because I have been receiving emails about it.)

I may also momentarily delete this blog while I job hunt, after reading a story about the negative view employers have of blogs.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Lookalikes

I've started taking Arabic on Tuesday evenings. I took some classes briefly before living in Cairo during the spring of 2002, and I wanted to get back into it. Anyway, there is a chick in my class who looks like Jenna Bush. To the point it's freaking me out. (Except there is no secret service detail so I am confident it is not her.) Then there's the guy who looks like a guy I met at Emily's pumpkin-carving party down in Charlottesville in October. Then last night when purchasing a coke, I saw a man in the hallway who looks like the current Web editor of my former employer. Everywhere I go, people are reminding me of other people. Freaky.

It reminds me of the time at church, back in 2001, when I was staring at this man for several minutes trying to figure out who he reminded me of. I finally realized he looked like my high school calculus teacher, Coach Booth. 30 seconds later I recognized the gentleman as none other than the Attorney General of the United States and realized the men with the ear pieces were starting to eye me.

Hilarious.

The story of my life


This reminds me of a humorous story I read on a Christian web zine once. A young man walks in to a meeting with his pastor. The pastor knows he is dating an attractive young woman and asks about the progression of their relationship. The young man affirms that the woman is of high character, he really enjoys her company, and he is attracted to her. But he also expresses hesitation, saying there is one physical attribute that he always imagined differently on his wife. "I guess I'm waiting for a 10," the young man sighs. The pastor looks him straight in the eyes, "Brother, you're like a 6."
He, he, he. I had a friend in St. Andrews once (male) who commented that man have no idea where they rank and often aim way out of their league.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Why your life is better than mine

1) Friday night a "house guest" deliberately locked me out of my home.
2) Saturday he did something so shocking, I can't discuss it on the Internet. He then left my house.
3) Sunday afternoon I was on the Metro train that derailed. (But I was luckily in the third car and was not injured.)
4) Monday morning the 9:10 bus never came, so I waited 35 minutes in cold rain for the next one.
5) I was on audio tonight and there was a system malfunction, which resulted in my getting home an hour and 45 minutes later than I should have.

And did I mention that an editor who had asked me to pitch never responded to thus said pitches? (Not a good sign.)

At moments like this, I wish I was in Alabama, driving down the mountain to Delight's house, to watch a movie, play poker, or just "hang out." Or sipping sweet tea outside in the garden at Cindi Clark's...I wish I was curled up in my rose-covered duvet in my childhood home, reading a good book...

I am convinced that somebody, somewhere is sticking pins in a voodoo doll version of me.

Life can be so disappointing sometimes.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Viva la Europe!

I know; it's been off and on. But I do now think it's official that I am going back to St. Andrews in June for my graduation. My parents are coming with me. We are going to spend 6-7 days in Scotland, and then 3 days each in Paris, London and Rome. Suggestions, people? My mom has never been to Europe, and I kind of want this to hit the highlights for her in case she never makes it back.

Less events, more time enjoying them, so we aren't too rushed. That said, what are the most special things I should show them in each city? Suggestions greatly appreciated.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Happy 2007! I celebrated it at the party hosted by my roommate Deb's boyfriend. I was lucky enough to get to ring in the New Year with four of my 10-40 girls -- there is no better way, I tell you:) Pictures later.

Anyway, I DID actually make two New Year's Resolutions, so please hold me accountable: 1) to get back into my exercise routine, at least 3 times a week; 2) to devote an hour a day to my creative writing.

Did anyone else make any?

Come on, peeps, this blog has got to get more interactive!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Blessings to you and your loved ones this year. May 2007 bring unexpected beauty to your life.

Sidenote: I never sent Christmas cards -- maybe New Year's? So sorry....Got a little behind....

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Finding beauty in the simple things....

Last night I did not want to go out. I spent the entire weekend preparing to host a Christmas party on Sunday, then I finished writing a story for work. I got 2-3 hours of sleep Sunday night, and I am a woman who is religious about my sleep.

But my friend Jen called me at 5 pm Monday night and asked me to come hear her perform. Jen is a budding musician who won the John Lennon songwriting contest, but she actually rarely performs. I wanted to support her, so I went out of duty, not desire, warning her that I had barely gotten any sleep the night before.

The strangest thing happened: I had an amazing time. It was super quiet; only about 10 people showed up. But it was all original music from Jen and this guy named Michael Yugo.

Anyway, Michael made up a song on the spot, serenading me. He did it a couple of times, actually. It started out a little gushy ("I see you in my dreams"), and then he veered humorous, talking about a news story I had quoted when I came in.

It must have been a pity serenade, because I felt sorry for myself. I was dressed shabbily, had literally not put any make-up on that day, and my hair was a mess. The other women, by contrast, looked beautiful.

Now I know why women fall for musicians. They've never been my type, but seriously, peeps, nothing beats having an amazingly talented singer/guitarist serenade you, even if it is in an empty bar.

SIGH....

Anyway, for you locals who read this, he sings every Monday and Tuesday at Restaurant 219 in Old Town, on King Street. We have to go back!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Hysterical

Posing as me, my friend Jim has created a blog.

When he came to DC, he told me he thought I should open a match-making service. Can I help it if it makes me happy to see good people together?

OK, fictional ones as well as real ones, because I am so excited about Jordan and blond boy from Studio 60.

Read it. It's hysterical. But I don't really like the way he portrays me, but I know he's just taking the piss.

I heart New York

So, this last weekend I went to New York, mainly to go to my friend Jen's party hosted by the Music Slut.

After agreeing to bribe my boss in exchange to duck out two hours early on Friday, I caught a 6 pm Chinatown bus headed to the Big Apple. Gretchen, my best friend from undergrad who I was staying with, and I were both surprised when I got in at 10 pm on the dot. However, I won't bore you with the details, but it took me almost another two hours to make it to her new pad in Brooklyn.

Being girls with so much to catch up on, we stayed up until 3 am chatting. Gretchen had a 9 am meeting the next morning, although I slept in until about 10 am. At around 11:30, we headed to Williamsburg, the new hipster neighborhood in Brooklyn, to pick up a dresser she had purchased. My friend Dave Strosser from St. Andrews met us for lunch at an adorable cafe. I spent the next couple of hours desperately searching for a bday gift for Jen, but found nothing. I did, however, find a cheap LP of the Police to bring back to my boss as a bribe.

Gretchen and I changed, then went into Manhattan for Mary Kay makeovers. I only went because I wanted to see the girls who were hosting the event, because it is my personal idea of hell to have someone force me to wear a bunch of makeup when I am a minimalist about it. But oh well.

Here's where it gets good.

Then to to the big Music Slut party at the Delancey. Anyway, I had not taken my purse, but slipped credit cards, cash and subway ticket into my British rail card, because it comes in a small handy blue plastic thing with pockets. I never get carded in DC except at grocery stores.

Anyway, I did not realize my mistake until we got to the venue. And hiking it back to Brooklyn was not an option. So I explained my predicament to the bouncer. That I had just returned from Europe, now lived in DC, never got carded, my British rail card had BOTH a photo I.D. and birth date. He would not let me in. I explained I knew the event hostess, who could vouch for me. I asked to speak to his manager. He refused. Can he NOT see my crow's feet? Come on, people, there is no way I am under 21. So then I called Jen. He still wouldn't let me in. She got the manager who examined everything and then asked Jen if she could vouch for me.

"Oh yes, she's definitely older than me," Jen says.

Thanks.

So I finally get in, thinking "I told you so." In the battle of the wills, I challenge any bouncer to defy me.

It was decided I should not leave the venue given my situation, but I didn't really have plans to anyway. Gretch went off to a Stills show, while I enjoyed the fantabulous company of the lovely Jen and the awesome Strosser. (It was rumored that Zach Braff from Scrubs was at the venue, but Jen and I couldn't find him when we went looking.) I also made contact with a Venezuelan from the NY consulate, which is useful because I am now working on my second story about Chavez.

Afterwards, Gretch and I had to make an appearance at her colleague's going away party at the Merc bar in SoHo. (The chick was moving to LA.) Dressed for the casual music hipster scene (well, she was, I just looked like a fool. I have had neither time nor inclination to go shopping lately), we were literally the only women in the room not wearing a variation of the little black dress. Yawn. That's entertainment PR for you, though, folks.

Yeah, fashion sidenote: When we were strolling around Williamsburg, a sales lady asked me where I was visiting from. Ouch!

Oh yeah, the next morning, insane creatures that we are, we got up at 8:30 to make it to church by 10:30, then I took the bus home.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I am my father's daughter...

My dad turned 60 this month, so my family (sans yours truly who had to work the day after Thanksgiving) went to St. Maarten to celebrate.

Anyway, my dad -- who was in a serious car wreck several years ago, has a metal hip and a leg that is 1/4 of an inch shorter than the other as a result -- went scuba-diving.

Guess he figured his metal hip (and claustrophobia) were his business, not the people organizing the trip.

HYSTERICAL.

See where I get it?;)

Red States vs. Blue States

This blog has percolating in my head for weeks now, and even now I only have time to commit a fraction of my thoughts to electronic paper.

Let me say that I love Studio 60. For a reason that I am still trying to define and articulate. I think I relate to Harriet's character now, but I see myself evolving into Matthew Perry's...Which actually scares me a little.

I've been thinking about this ever since I read Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections, years ago. I never bothered to read the critical review, so I have no idea what the intelligentsia thought, but the story of Midwesterners flocking to the East Coast, living sophisticated lives beyond the simple traditions of their parents, resonated with me, for obvious reasons.

I think I felt conviction. I am always trying to make sense of who I was and who I am becoming. At times, it's almost as if there were different versions of me, battling it out. And it's confusing, as conflicting loyalties always are.

I think Studio 60 gives us Red Staters some respect; my colleague thinks it belittles us. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to get the joke.

Anyway, this all ties into Borat, which I have yet to see. Borat is supposedly hysterical, but allegedly is so at the expense of several sub-cultures, some of which are my heritage.

Anyway, my next thoughts all flew out ofmy head, so here is David Brook's piece from the NYT that is much more articulate than I could ever be, anyway. You have to be Times Select member to view it, so instead of the link, I have posted the text of the article.

DAVID BROOKS: The Heyday of Snobbery
And so we enter the era of mass condescension. Thanks to the creativity of our cultural entrepreneurs, we enter a time when we can gather in large groups and look down at our mental, social and spiritual inferiors.

In retrospect, it's easy to see how this cultural moment crept up on us. There is "American Idol," which allows the millions to watch Simon Cowell ridicule people who don't realize how talentless they are. There is the middle segment of "The Daily Show," during which correspondents sometimes go out and use postmodern interviewing techniques to humiliate rural goobers who think they were abducted by aliens or some such.

Then there is the rise of culture-war comedians whose jokes heap scorn on the sorts of people who are guaranteed not to be in the audience. ("Megachurches," Bill Maher joked recently on HBO, "are presided over by the same skeevy door-to-door Bible salesmen that we've always had, just in an age of better technology. But they're selling the same thing: fear. Fear to keep you in line."

One could list other precursors and signs of the times: network magazine shows that taught TV professionals to use the power of ambush and editing to dominate their non-media-savvy prey; the "Jackass" movies, which acclimatized audiences to the mixture of suffering and laughter. But, of course, the crowning glory of the current moment is the "Borat" movie, an explosively funny rube-baiting session orchestrated by a hilarious bully.

The genius of Sacha Baron Cohen's performance is his sycophantic reverence for his audience, his refusal to challenge the sacred cows of the educated bourgeoisie. During the movie, Borat ridicules Pentecostals, gun owners, car dealers, hicks, humorless feminists, the Southern gentry, Southern frat boys, and rodeo cowboys. A safer list it is impossible to imagine.

Cohen understands that when you are telling socially insecure audiences they are superior to their fellow citizens there is no need to be subtle. He also understands that any hint of actually questioning the cultural suppositions of his ticket-buyers — say by ridiculing the pretensions of somebody at a Starbucks or a Whole Foods Market — would fatally mar the self-congratulatory aura of the enterprise.

Cohen also knows how to rig an unfair fight, and to then ring maximum humiliation and humor out of each situation. The core of his movie is that he and his audience know he is playing a role, and this gives him, and them, power over the less sophisticated stooges who don't. The world becomes divided between the club of those who are in on the joke, and the excluded rubes who aren't. The more tolerant the simpletons try to be toward Borat, the more he drags them into the realm of anti-Semitism and vileness. The more hospitable they try to be, the dumber they appear for not understanding the situation.

In a society as fluid as ours, snobbery is constantly changing form, and in the latest wave of condescension media, various strains come together. We Jews know all about Borat's Jewish snobbery — based on the assumption that Middle America's acceptance of Jews must be a mirage, and that underneath every Rotarian there must be a Cossack about to unleash a continental pogrom.

There's also that distinct style of young person's snobbery. Young people haven't accomplished much yet so they can only elevate themselves by endlessly celebrating their own superior sensibilities. Finally, there's blue America snobbery, as people on the coasts try to fathom those who would vote for George W. Bush. The only logical explanation is that they are racist, anti-Semitic idiots who can be blamelessly ridiculed.

I suspect this wave of condescension media will repel as many people as it thrills. But it does illustrate an interesting shift in the culture.

Eighty years ago, H. L. Mencken's magazines, The Smart Set and The American Mercury, ridiculed exactly the same targets as today's condescension mavens: evangelicals, Middle American boobs, etc. (I actually think today's comedians are funnier than Mencken, though that may be a matter of taste.)

Then, the condescending Menckenites were a small, educated sect, much less popular than the romantics who celebrated the Middle American common man in novels, movies and fanfares. Now, however, the Mencken sensibility is a mass phenomenon, found on networks and in multiplexes all across the country. We've democratized snobbery and turned it into a consumption item for the vast educated class. Popular culture has traveled from "The Grapes of Wrath" to Borat the magnificent.

My life as a Seinfeld episode...

I don't care that it is November.

The other day, I had an ice cream craving. Luckily for me, we have a Maggie Moo's in the neighborhood where I work. I was working the night shift, so I got in at about 12:45 pm, and I was supposed to start at 1 pm. I decided to have ice cream for lunch. (Healthy, I know.) I walked to Maggie Moo's and saw a sign posted that says the worker will return at 1:30 pm. I was kind of annoyed, but figured I could tough it out. I went up to my office and began work for the day. I came back down at about 1:25 pm. Aware that passer-bys were looking at me as I awaited for the return of the Maggie Moo's man, I decided to duck into the bookstore across the street.

I returned at 1:45, because I knew I had to be back by a 2 pm news meeting. I decide to go ahead and get a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli, healthier anyway, right?

After the meeting gets out, roughly 2:30 pm, I decide to be a little piggy and go back and get ice cream for dessert.

You guessed it. He STILL wasn't there, and the SAME SIGN was up.

I decided the gods clearly didn't want me to have my ice cream.

But, around 5 pm, I felt differently. So I go back, and there is a new sign saying he will return at 5:30 pm.

So, when I return at 6 pm, he is FINALLY there and I pay 6 bucks for a tiny bit of ice cream.

(Good thing, too, because it was my dinner, as I got off late and made it to the restaurant to meet friends just as their dinner bill showed up.)

Only I would make SIX trips to the ice cream store for one serving of ice cream.

Why the kitchens at Andrew Melville celebrated my departure...

Or, how I almost set the kitchen on fire, again....

It was a Saturday that started out like any other, except I had risen early to make a green bean casserole for my church, who was hosting a Thanksgiving meal for the homeless members of our community.

Typical green bean casserole: Canned green beans, cream of mushroom soup, some friend onion rings (pre-bought) on top.

Except I have "issues" with pre-made, pre-packaged food. My recipe? Homemade onion crisps on top, steamed green beans with some sauteed mushrooms and onions, a little sour cream and chicken broth. Final product baked together.
I was making the onion crisps in two separate pans: one silver aluminum and one black aluminum, while sauteeing the mushrooms and onions.

Then the blaring beep, beep, beep of the fire alarm went off, waking my two flatmates. (We had all been out late the night before; it must have been 9 or 9:30 in the morning.) They stumbled out of bed groggily and asked me what was wrong. To which I responded anxiously, "I don't know." Melissa asked, "Is something on fire? It smells like smoke." To which I responded, "No," as I checked the stove-top and oven. To which I then said, "Oh my God," rather excitedly, and slammed the oven door shut. Melissa calmly repeats herself: "Is something on fire?"

The black "aluminum" pan turned out to be a rather sturdy plastic and had melted all over the oven.

Realizing clean-up would upset my schedule, I called my ride and told him to go into town without me; I would take the metro.

When I was trying to clean up the oven, some of the plastic fell underneath to where the whatever-makes-the-oven-hot thingy is. Realizing that turning my oven back on might result in a fire, I called my friend, handed my un-yet-cooked casserole off to him as in a relay race, and set about the business of cleaning up the mess.

I am very, very certain that the Residence Manager and Warden at my old dorm are glad my problematic Stephanie-fire-alarm relations are now someone else's concern.....

Evidence of the disaster....

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

All I want is a day date....

My roommates and I were ruminating on the Christian dating scene. (OK, so I was complaining and they were more balanced.) I used to be that girl -- you know, the one who kissed dating good-bye.

And forgive me, to the non-warped by the psycho-sick-relationally defunct social scene known as Christian dating, you can skip over this entry. Or, if you are amused by "alternative" lifestyles, feel free to continue reading. But this is not for the faint of stomach.

When I first went to St. Andrews, I was ready to say good-bye to the whole courtship method of dating. Only because, from a pragmatic perspective, I realized it probably worked better for a certain age group. I was leaving an age group that I thought was reasonable, so I reluctantly acquiesced to myself that I had better re-evaluate my beliefs about dating.

However, having left the bubble that is Christian America and having lived for the first time entirely surrounded by people who had more normal ideas about what constitutes relations between the sexes, my eyes opened to an entirely new perspective.

Whether or not you believe in courtship, and I will admit that I was at the extreme end of conservative even in Christian circles with my former beliefs, there is a trend to be friends before you start dating. How this typically works: Guy meets girl. Guy thinks girl is cute. Guy and girl spend months together in a mixed social circle as he evaluates her character and pretty much forms major decisions about his intentions toward her. Guy finally says something to girl. If she is interested too, they race to the altar.

Don't get me wrong: I know that sometimes friends fall in love and it creeps up on both of them. And it's like, "Whoa! I can't believe this is happening." When that happens, it's spontaneous, beautiful, refreshing -- inspiring. When a guy stakes out a girl for months trying to see if she's good enough for him, sometimes sending mixed signals (inevitable when you are attracted to someone who you are "just friends" with but not officially dating); Or, when a girl befriends a guy she's interested in and tries to win him with her "servant's heart," sometimes being very manipulative -- that's just dishonest.

This whole trend started as a desire to be pure in our attitude toward the opposite sex, but it evolved into what I consider the mutual dishonoring of one another. She has to content herself with raisins -- a name my roommate Erin's college friends coined for what you thought might be a date but was just a cheaper alternative, or the "friend date." And guys can potentially be taken advantage of by girls who know exactly what is going on, have no interest in them, but like the attention. And when you do start officially dating, the relationship dives right into the deep end, perhaps without having learned to doggy paddle in the shallow end first. And we know what that means -- dead swimmers.

For me personally, I realized something about myself when I was in St. Andrews: I was fearful and shy of the dating scene for reasons too personal to be posted on the Internet. The courtship method allowed me to stand back and observe a man, to make him jump through a million and one hoops, all before I agreed to dinner. I clothed it as righteousness, but it was nothing more than fear. And it enveloped me.

Christianity's not for wimps, although I need to go to bed and don't have time to get into a theological exposition. But Jesus was revolutionary and all about risks. And it's time the Church taught its single people to be normal -- to be able to set appropriate emotional and physical boundaries that progress with the deepening of a relationship.

All I want is to meet a nice, normal person. Someone I bump into here and there, gets my number early on, and takes me on a day date. A fun, spontaneous, cheap day date. An activity, or one of the million and one free events around DC. I'm not high maintenance;) Someone who I then casually exchange a few flirty emails with -- nothing too intense or excitable. And who somewhere, after lots of fun, casual outings, I think..."Hmmm....maybe this one is worth getting to know a little more."

A girl can dream, can't she?.....

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

The need to vent

Today: I tripped, fell and broke the heel off my shoe on the way to work (you can tell Callum I now know where I get those bruises, Claire:), didn't realize it was broken until too late and limped throughout the day, had a busy, stressful day at the office (OK, OK, the kind I love), then the pesto sauce from my dinner leftovers leaked all over the wire stories I had in my bag as prep for a couple of interviews tomorrow. Then I missed my bus stop.

I should be grateful I am working on an interesting story and had a yummy Italian dinner with my friend Jim, who is visiting from out of town.

But instead, I'm totally annoyed at my broken shoe and icky green-tinted wires stories....

Monday, November 06, 2006

My mom's cousin Carol passed away today

She had Lou Gehrig's Disease. It is a cruel disease. We knew it was coming, but we didn't know when. Carol was my mom's closest cousin. My mother, unlike myself, is a very private, reserved woman. But I can tell she is really hurting. Please pray for her, my mom's Aunt Lois (Carol's mom), her husband Jack, their kids and the rest of the family.

When everyone else goes to the polls, my mom and dad will be flying to Iowa.

There are so many thoughts swirling through my head, but I am exhausted -- way too tired to record them. I worked late tonight and will be working later tomorrow. I only logged on here to ask for your prayers.

I love you all.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Ryan and Reese

....have split up.

I'm sad.

I was trying to figure out why I was sad --why something inside of me aches when certain celebrity couples break up. (I was also very sad about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston, Drew Barrymore and Tom Green, but that's probably it for me.) I think for some Americans it's the death of Camelot -- or some sort of disappointment that even the beautiful couldn't make it. For me, it's the reverse. I think I look at marriages like Ryan's and Reese's and see the normalcy in them -- see the young lovers, young parents, see the pressures of a family where the wife is more successful. I rooted for them because I thought I saw a little beauty being carved out of the daily grime that marks all of our lives.

Oh well, freaky I would think of strangers this way....

Taking a sabbatical:)

Well, I have the most amazing roommates ever. And I can say that without being a brown-noser, because they never log on here. Mel is witty, funny and crazy -- and unbelievably wise. Erin has this beautiful gracefulness of spirit about her. She possesses this gentle, quiet strength. But don't worry -- she knows how to have a good time, too.:)

So, they kind of sat me down the other night and told me to chill. They said I was making way too many decisions way too fast, freaking out and putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make huge decisions way too quickly. That I should give myself some time to re-adjust.

They're right.

I desperately wanted to return to Scotland. About a month and a half before I left the UK, an English friend and I were discussing the possibilities. He told me: "Everything will be different. We'll be here and you'll be in Edinburgh or Glasgow. You'll have to start all over. There's nothing here for you to return to. You have friends in America. Go home."

I thought he was right -- and actually he very well could be. So I was trying to force myself into all of these decisions, committing myself Stateside and to DC as fast I could, as if to try to force myself to love my life here and not acknowledge the huge ache inside of me to go back.

But I have decided to take a three-month sabbatical. During these three months, I will work hard while I am at the office, but I will leave my work there and not freak out about if I am going to stay in journalism or switch careers. I will make no decisions or even ponder where I am going to live -- continent or city. I will join no new clubs and activities (except for possibly enrolling in a night Arabic class in Jan) and assume no leadership roles. I will hopefully make no new friends -- I have tons of amazing ones already.

I will not have my entire social life planned months in advance, the way I once did.

What am I going to do? I am going to make the most of my job, do a little creative writing, love and invest in the lovely people I already know. I'm going to knit; watch TiVoed television with my flatmates.

I'm going to let the fall leaves crunch under my feet; I'm going to take time to go on walks. I'm going to try to convince Megan to take me sailing with her friends;)

I'm going to live. And trust that in doing so, I will develop a sensitivity for what is the right next step for me.

But for three months, I am not even thinking about this stuff. So don't ask:)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Career change?

Anyway, I am extremely disappointed with your lack of replies to that earlier article, peeps. I was pondering this just the other day. In Scotland, I didn't pick up on as much of a gender divide, and my interest in feminist issues took a momentary sabbatical. Now that I'm Stateside again, my first love has returned. Today I actually acquired a false male pseudo-identity to join a members-only misogynistic male forum. However, I felt guilty about indulging this non-work-related interest on the company time clock, so I will have to continue checking out their site later.

Anyway, lately I have been pondering a career change, I admit with much sadness. I think it has finally occurred to me that I'm never going to get where I want to be with journalism. I've switched mediums and started all over again, and I'm tired. As I get older, I realize I have financial obligations. I truly believe I require less than most materially to be happy. I don't care if I live in a modest home with old furniture and wear ugly clothes, but -- one day -- if junior gets into Harvard, I want to be able to afford to send him/her. And I'm embarrassingly domestic -- I want a lot of juniors, too. One or two from my own womb, and I would like to adopt one or two out of American foster homes, as well. Do the math, and you'll see that's about five lifetimes worth my current salary.

The question is -- what? And here is where I want all of your opinions. If I weren't a journo, what would I want to do? Well, next I would want to work in something related to the arts, i.e., theater, scriptwriting, etc. After that, I would want to work for a non-profit on an issue that I am passionate about. Then there's perhaps teaching in an at-risk secondary school, or running one or basically overhauling American education. Then I would like to run either a little cafe or a bed and breakfast.

None of these options are sending junior to Harvard. (Ironically, I want to make money to send my offspring to elitist schools, but I don't care then if they go become a penniless writer:)

So what should I do?

Once upon a time, I considered becoming a lawyer. But let's face it -- the dough is in corporate law, and I probably would have been more like Sandra Bullocks' character in that movie she co-stars in with Hugh Grant.

I am so destined for poverty:)

My uncle is encouraging me to pursue stockbroking, something I think is a very valid option. How to make a lot of money has never particularly interested me, but admittedly, I live for the kill, so investment banking also seems worthwhile.

My roomies do not think this is a good idea. One encouraged me to have lunch with someone she knows who is wise about balancing vocational aspirations with the pragmatic choices finances force us to make.

I realized I interviewed him four years ago in the first feature story I wrote for the newspaper formerly known as my employer. I decided I did not want to have this conversation with him. But who knows? Maybe he thought the article was crap and would have encouraged a career change.

Thoughts, peeps? I know this blog is read by all of two people, so I could use some advice.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Feminism vs. femininity

Weigh in, peeps. I want your opinion on this.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Brings back the memories

Despite the fact I never indulged in this particular intellectual sporting event once when I was in the UK, tonight I went to a pub quiz at an Irish bar. And one of the girl's husbands was from Birmingham, England. My contribution to the team? Which British author wrote "Bridget Jones' Diary"? Helen Fielding. I was the only one on my team who knew that. What does that say for my literary habits?

Anyway, it was really bizarre...kind of like my two selves struggling to co-exist in the same breathing space and I got a bit melancholy (and aloof) as the night wore on.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a lucky, lucky girl. Where else but DC could I have found immediate, temporary, affordable housing with the two most amazing women on earth? Where else but DC would someone volunteer to pick me up at the airport the day I moved back; where else would two strapping young men, unsolicited, offer to face the beast that is my armoire once again and move the rest of my stuff out of storage?

I have much to be thankful for. Culture shock, I guess.

Anyway, I have loads of blogs circulating in my head and no time to write them:( I hope this changes.

But Gretchen was in town last weekend from NYC and ASIA COMES TO TOWN TOMORROW FOR A FEW DAYS. YAY TO SEEING TWO BEST FRIENDS IN LESS THAN A WEEK!!!!